Ladies: most times we're staring at you because men are giant baby idiots who think everyone wants to receive their milky seed and they are poorly attempting to mate with you, but sometimes it's because you have poppyseeds all up in your teeth.
I woke up next to a girl this morning with huge hands who looks like a young Paul Giamatti. And she had a Dooney & Burke bag. It was horrible. ( @lydiamansel)
THIS YEAR STARTED OFF WITH A MAJESTIC TURKISH SWAGLORD WITH SHINY HAIR SALTING MEAT, WHO FUCKING KNOWS WHERE WE'RE HEADED FROM HERE. ( @memesformemers)
I ate a few weed gummy bears and didn't feel anything so I ate a few more and now I'm way too stoned and have anxiety and this photo is blowing my fucking mind which it really shouldn't (tw: @alsboy)
Do you think they've ever had a sleepover with snacks and videos and maybe Barack drew a dick on Joe's face when he fell asleep too early? ( @thegladstork)
I once saw Wilmer Valderrama in LA wearing fingerless gloves and a beanie on a 93 degree day.
Give me 5 shots of tequila and I will like every single photo of your trip to Portugal with your mom from 86 weeks ago. ( @donny.drama)
BARRY, LET'S DO A J NOW THAT YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED. MAYBE SHOOT SOME HOOPS. I'LL WHOOP YOUR ASS IN MARIO KART FAM.
My mom thinks my Facebook wall is a private message to just me and asked me the other day on there if I was making sure to take my Valtrex :( ( @tank.sinatra)
Remember this photo tonight when you leave the club and end up at some strangers afterparty piss drunk talking to a random white guy with dreads about his new line of eco friendly condoms.
YOU'LL END UP CHILLING WITH A FUCKING VOLLEYBALL AND A SOMALI PIRATE WHO LOOKS LIKE BEETLEJUICE ( @worldstar)
You're definitely not going to eat right and work out and get deep dicklines in 2017, so at least don't drive like a complete butthole ( @ironlotuspt)
Fuck you 2016, we're keeping this national treasure. ( @11miami)
LOLOLOL you're gonna get even fatter and burn many more bridges this year. Yes, you.
ENJOY THE SLOW SPIRAL TOWARDS DEATH YOU GUYS! 💋💋💋
Let's hope this is the year that people stop growing soul patches. It's basically a Hitler mustache BENEATH your lip
I've been eating craaaazy lately, the other day I sat beside a roaring hearth in a turtleneck and sipped queso cheese out of a jar. I look like Rob Kardashian getting a lapdance from Lena Dunham.